


Sapphic

by Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Ableism, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Autism Spectrum, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, compulsory heterosexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 07:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15702993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate/pseuds/Vanilla_Owns_Chocolate
Summary: When Gumi fell in love for the first time, she didn't expect it to be with another girl.





	Sapphic

Gumi didn't have a lot of friends. She was sorta bad at the whole "interacting with people" thing, really.

She was grateful for the friends that she did have, though. There was Miku, who was always really nice to her and got her to open up in the first place. There were Rin and Len, who never ceased to entertain her with their opposing personalities and constant stream of friendly bickering. And then there was Lily, who Gumi thought was intimidating at first but turned out to be one of her closest and most loyal companions.

There was only one problem. Lily liked girls.

Now, Gumi had never minded it, but, well...her parents had always told her that was a bad thing. Girls weren't supposed to be attracted to other girls, they said. Girls were for boys and vice versa. One day, when she grew up, she would find a nice husband and settle down and maybe have a couple of kids. Gumi didn't like that idea, but she nodded and pretended that she did anyway because she didn't want to get on her parents' bad side.

But there was something about Lily that intrigued her nonetheless. Whenever she talked about the girls she liked, she never sounded guilty or ashamed. She was always happy and excited, as if she had no idea that what she was doing was wrong and bad and sure to result in punishment when she got home because that was what happened to girls who looked at other girls that way, they got in trouble and then they're not allowed to flap their hands or hum their favorite songs for a week, maybe two, and it's bad bad bad and you want to but you can't you can't you can't and-

No, no, Gumi told herself, that was ridiculous. Lily didn't need to flap her hands or sing or pace around back and forth like she did, because Lily wasn't a freak like her. Lily was bold and cool and confident, her exact opposite. When Lily did find a boyfriend, which would have surely been easy for someone as wonderful as her, she would make him very happy.

Lily said that she didn't want a boyfriend, though, and Gumi could kind of understand that. After all, she had a boyfriend once, and he wasn't really that exciting. His name was Gakupo, and she supposed he was nice to her, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't bring herself to feel much of anything for him. One time, he asked to kiss her, but the thought made her feel sick to her stomach and she ran away without so much as a goodbye.

She hated herself after that. She remembered the world speeding past her in a blurry mess of color and sound, until suddenly she couldn't take it anymore and it was too much and oh god, oh god oh god she couldn't take it anymore, she had to get out, get out get out get out before it swallowed her whole-

But then, Lily was there, and Gumi had to force herself to look normal, as if she wasn't having a complete and utter meltdown because she had just made one of the dumbest decisions of her life and who could love her now?? But Lily was soft and reassuring, so uncharacteristic of her, and soon all Gumi could focus on is the soft way she was speaking to her.

"Hey," she whispered - _whispered,_ Gumi had never heard her whisper before - "Gumi, can you hear me? Try to pay attention to my voice, okay?"

So she did, and soon it filled her mind, and she could chase away everything that threatened to invade her thoughts except for that voice. ...Well, not everything, but after a while (something that felt like an eternity to her but was actually only fifteen minutes), she was able to speak properly again, and she turned to Lily with amazement.

"What-" Her voice sounded strange coming out of her own mouth, but she ignored it. "What are you doing here?"

Lily smiled softly at her. "Do you know where we are right now, Goom?"

Gumi paused and looked around, taking in her surroundings for the first time. She was no longer at Gakupo's house, having somehow stumbled down the familiar pathway toward Lily's home. She felt her face heat up as she struggled to explain herself.

"I, uh, I didn't mean to- I mean, um..." She couldn't get the words out, but Lily didn't seem to care.

"Eh, don't worry about it. I get a lotta girls crawlin' to my doorstep, if y'know what I mean." She winked, then suddenly turned serious. "But you are the first to show up havin' a full-on anxiety attack. What's goin' on?"

 _Anxiety attack?_ Was that what those were called? Gumi had never heard such a term before. Her parents had always referred to them as "temper tantrums," despite the fact that they never made her angry.

She swallowed thickly, running her fingers together nervously before catching herself. She didn't want to look stupid in front of her friend.

"It was...Gakupo," she admitted reluctantly, holding up her hands when she saw the fury on Lily's face. "But he didn't do anything!! It was my fault...I, uh, sorta ran out on him when he tried to kiss me..."

"Oh," Lily remarked, still looking a bit wary. "He didn't try to force you or anything, did he?"

"No, no," Gumi told her, "he asked first. That's why it's all my fault...I could have just said 'no,' or I could have just done it and gotten it over with, or-" Her mind began racing with all the possibilities, all the things she could have done, and she started feeling anxiety well up in her stomach again. Gakupo didn't deserve her. She was a bad girlfriend. She would never find a husband who would love her.

"Shh," Lily said soothingly, running a hand over her shoulder before quickly retracting it. Gumi looked back over at her and nodded as a signal for her to continue, so she did. "You were uncomfortable, and you didn't want to upset him. It's okay."

"But now he's gonna be even more upset," Gumi sighed, "and he'll probably break up with me, and-"

Lily waved her hand dismissively. "Please, a girl like you? Nah. I'm sure if you just explain it to him, he won't be mad at you. Gakupo's...a nice guy." She sounded almost as if she was struggling to get those last few words out, but Gumi couldn't blame her. Lily had never liked Gakupo. None of her friends did. He was kind of mean to them sometimes, even if that wasn't always his intention.

"What if he thinks I'm weird? You know, for running off like that and having a...what did you call that? An 'anxiety attack?'"

Lily bit her lip. "Honestly? I get those sometimes, too."

Gumi's eyes widened. Lily was so strong and proud; how could someone like her get anxiety? She tried to picture her having one of those "temper tantrums," but she just couldn't.

"And if he gives you shit for it," Lily continued, "I'll beat the shit outta him, 'cause it's a perfectly normal thing that nobody should be embarrassed about."

Normal? That wasn't what Gumi was taught. She was taught that tantrums were humiliating and made the people you were with look bad. But Lily didn't seem to mind, given that she was still with her despite the fact that they were in public (well, semi-public; most people were in their houses, since the sun was starting to go down).

"...Lily?" Gumi found herself asking, staring at the ground. "How do you know if you really love someone?"

Lily paused, putting a hand to her chin in thought. "Hmm...well, it depends. There's a difference between lovin' somebody and bein' _in love_ with somebody. I've loved a lotta girls, but I don't think I've ever been in love with any of 'em. They were mostly just quick flings that lasted around a week or two."

"So...what's being in love?"

"Dunno. I guess it's when you find that person that's really right for you, y'know? When your feelings and shit go beyond just regular romantic love."

The phrase "feelings and shit" made Gumi smile just a little. Taking advantage of this newfound confidence, she asked, "What if you don't love the person you're with? Like, romantically, I mean."

"Then what's the point of stayin' in a relationship with 'em?" Lily replied with a shrug. "Sometimes attraction fades. That's usually how these things end."

"But what if..." Gumi took a deep breath. "What if you were never attracted to them at all?"

Lily turned to look at her slowly, blue eyes glinting with curiosity. "You were never attracted to Gakupo?"

"I, um, I don't think so," Gumi said reluctantly, "I think I mostly just agreed to be in a relationship with him because he was interested in me. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"

"What? No!" Lily protested with a shake of her head. "Don't be in a relationship just because someone else wants ya to. Ya gotta make sure that feeling is mutual first."

"Oh." Gumi suddenly felt hollow, like she had just confessed to some terrible crime. "Will he think I'm a bad person?"

"You? A bad person?" Lily put an arm around her and gave her a light squeeze. "Honey, you wouldn't hurt a fly. If he really loves you, he won't try to force ya to stay with him."

The contact made Gumi stiffen, but she relaxed just as quickly. Lily was just being friendly. Friends put their arms around each other sometimes. It wasn't a romantic gesture.

~~So why did she want it to be? ~~~~~~

Suddenly she felt very tired. That normally happened to her after one of her tan- anxiety attacks. She would have to get used to that new term.

"Wanna stay at my place, or should I take ya home?" Lily offered.

"I think I should, uh, go home. Ryuto is at his friend's house and they should be taking him back now, so..."

"Well, your parents are home, aren't they?"

Silence. Slowly, not looking at her, Gumi shook her head. "They...work late."

Lily inhaled sharply through her nose. "Oh."

More silence. Then, hastily, Gumi stammered out a, "But don't worry!! They should be back, um, soon...sometimes it just takes them a while. That's why I wanna be at home, just in case they don't..." She trailed off, already kicking herself for saying that much. They told her never to tell anybody about how they were never around, or else both she and Ryuto would get in trouble or worse, separated. She didn't want that, especially not for her little brother. Who would take care of him?

Thankfully, Lily seemed to sense how uncomfortable she was with the subject and didn't press any further. "Well, if you want, I can walk ya. I don't really think you should be goin' home on your own."

"I...would like that. Thanks."

And so they walked together, and for the briefest of moments, Gumi felt the urge to hold her hand. She snapped out of it, however, repeating the same phrase over and over in her mind: _Lily's your friend. You can't do that._

But still...friends held hands sometimes, right? Would Lily judge her if she asked to do so? Taking a deep breath, Gumi turned to her.

"Would you, um...would you mind if we held hands? That is, if you want to..."

Lily stared at her for a moment. Then, she smiled, looking happier than Gumi had ever seen her.

"Yeah. Of course."

Maybe, Gumi decided, just maybe, liking girls wasn't such a bad thing after all.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fic ive been meaning to write for a while and no joke i sat here staring at this blank ass document and then all of a sudden it just came flowing out of me and i feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders


End file.
